High-speed pursuit - Speed dating matches north state singles By Christy Lochrie
Karen Raab knows what she wants. Especially when it comes to dating. A job is a definite must. And smokers need not apply.
"At (my) age, there are certain things you can deal with and certain things you can't," the 49-year-old Redding woman said.
Meeting men in Redding hasn't been an issue for Raab, divorced for eight years. Meeting what she considers quality men, however, is another story.
"I had trouble finding people who have jobs," Raab said. "They have no problem with letting you pick up the check. I want a partner, not another kid."
Enter speed dating.
Raab heard about the concept. And was intrigued when it finally arrived in Redding this spring. Ron Chambers owns Redding Connections, which hosts speed dating at Nello's Place on Thursday nights.
For $35, singles sign up for 10 mini-dates, lasting seven minutes each. Women stay seated at a table in the restaurant's lounge while men rotate through the dates.
Certain topics are off limits, like last names, telephone numbers, and, yes, asking for an actual date. Instead, the idea is for singles to chat, get a feel for one another and decide whether or not they'd want to invest in an evening as a twosome.
"Within seven minutes, you know," Chambers said.
How to make a match? After each mini-date, a single selects either "yes" or "no" on a match card. If both singles circle "yes," it's a connection. Within two days participants can fill up their black books with telephone numbers from mutual matches.
It's a new idea for Redding. And one that has crisscrossed the globe. But the idea germinated some 700 miles to the south about five years ago.
The rabbi Yaacov Deyo, an educational director for Aish HaTorah, a Jewish resource center in Los Angeles, chatted with his students in 1999. The more students learned about their heritage, the more they wanted to marry within their tradition and religion. Trouble was, meeting other like-minded singles proved challenging.
Why not a gathering, Deyo and his students mused. They set to work, organizing what he calls a traditional church social.
"It wasn't very hip," Deyo said of the first session, organized with hokey ice-breaker games.
A few more renditions, including coffeehouse chats, and a new format took shape. Early on, the dates were 10 minutes. Eventually, it was whittled down to seven, a time that Redding Connections uses. These days, several versions of speed dating and speed dating companies dot the globe. Deyo said he never expected it.
Still, it sounds ambitious to find a love match in seven minutes, the typical time allotted for commercials in a 30-minute television program. Maybe. But love isn't the objective, Deyo says.
"You want to find out if this isn't" the right person, Deyo said. And, without investing too much time and emotions, cycle through until a match and potential spouse is found.
That's from a marriage perspective, Deyo's measure for success. He counts 70 marriages from his and other Jewish resources centers.
Chambers doesn't define success by until-death-do-you-part standards. It's about meeting people and having fun, the 27-year-old single said. At a recent speed dating event, he drove his philosophy home while explaining the match card to the group: "If you mark yes, it doesn't mean you want to marry them," Chambers said.
Horror stories abound about married folk trolling for an affair in online personal ads. Could it happen at a speed dating event? Maybe, but Chambers thinks the possibility's pretty remote.
"If a married guy shows up and just one person knows (that he's married), he's busted," Chambers opined.
Married or not, most men at a recent speed dating event buzzed easily around tables. But when it came to reporter questions, they retracted like a poked sea anemone.
Mark, a 40-something never-been-married professional with a Wayne Newton-perfect pompadour, explained his incognito this way: "Co-workers really kid you."
The event itself wasn't the issue, Mark said. Weary of the bar scene and games, he said it was a chance to meet "quality women," something he said can be difficult in Redding. It's just a pride thing.
Jim Commons, a 58-year-old divorced man from Palo Cedro summed up his reservations when he attended an event in March.
"I think maybe most guys would tend to feel a little more apprehensive about going to an organized thing like that than the ladies," Commons said, adding there's the rejection factor to contend with.
Chambers knows.
"The thing is, there's a social stigma at being single," Chambers said. Couple that with social expectations about men and their date-hunting prowess, and getting men to talk openly can be a challenge, Chambers said.
Not so of women.
Susanne Baremore was at a recent dating event. The 35-year-old Redding woman had taken in a speed dating event before. It's a good alternative to bumping into potential dates in the supermarket frozen food section or the self-help section of a bookstore, she said.
"It's not tough meeting men," Baremore said. "It's tough meeting men my speed."
Not only that, but there's the personal baggage factor, too.
"Mine's reduced to something that fits in the overhead bin," Baremore said, adding that she's looking for someone with luggage to match.
It was Pam Grenz's second time at a speed dating event. The 43-year-old estimates she's been on 10 dates since her divorce, three years ago. Each was a first -- and only -- date, the Redding woman said.
"It's hard to date in this town," Grenz said. "It's hard to meet people."
By the end of the night, Grenz had selected yes next to several dates on her match card. One, in particular, captured her fancy. Something about his eyes.
"It's like the window to their soul," Grenz said with a dreamy schoolgirl gaze.
Was she fretting about the requisite will-he-call question?
"Life is too short to worry about it," Grenz said. "When it's time, it will happen."
It did happen for Raab. She hasn't been to a speed dating event since her first. That's where she met Commons.
"I only had two matches the whole night," Raab said.
Numbers.
But there was a match. Both Raab and Commons say they've been in an exclusive dating relationship for months now. Aside from nervous laughter, the couple's not opining on future plans. Even so, Raab does offer up tips for other Redding singles:
"You don't meet people sitting at home," Raab said. "And you never know where you're going to meet somebody."
Speed dating tips:
All might be fair in love and war. But when it comes to speed dating, there are rules. Here are a few, along with conversation starter tips:
The dos:
Listen and share, you might be surprised and find an unexpected match.
Don't forget to relax, smile and enjoy it.
The don'ts:
At speed dating shindigs, last names, telephone numbers and asking for a date are all missteps.
Conversation starters:
Where are you from?
Do you like to travel?
Where do you want to go next?
Describe a typical weekend.
What defines you? Job? Hobbies?
Do you like to keep up with current events? What do you think about ...?
What's your favorite book, movie, television show, band, restaurant?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Currents reporter Christy Lochrie can be reached at 225-8309 or at clochrie@redding.com.
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